Stiff Wands!
by jamiemakesmehot
Summary: Sirius, James and Remus have a new job at a not so conventional store. Snape, Dobby, and Dumbledore are all regulars. WITH SEXY RESULTS.


**Jess and Jamie wrote the coolest story ever.**

**DAMN FUCKING RIGHT.**

**Bold - What Jess Wrote**

Normal and boring - What Manbitch wrote. ;D

**ENJOY YOU FUCKING BITCHES.**

**So, like, Snape, like, walked, like, into this condom shop, right?**

**And then, like, James, like, and Sirius, and their, like, werewolf friend Remus were behind the counter.**

**"OH BOTHER" cried, like, Snape.**

So like Snape goes behind the counter to see what James and Sirius and their werewolf are doing and then, like, James is being sodomised by Sirius who's being sodomised by the werewolf.

And then Snape was all.

**"WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THAT DEAD ONE, AT LEAST BE /STRAIGHT/ FOR HER!"**

**Then Sirius was all. 'WTF', so he said "WHAT DEAD ONE?"**

**"THA WUN MI NAME IZ AN ANAGRAM OFZ!" said Gangster Snape. "PERSUES EVANS, DUH."**

**Then Sirius was all. "SNAPE! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" and lunged on him, which turned into one very disturbing sex 'adventure'.**

especially because Sirius was in the middle of the man train.

**"CHOO CHOO!"**

**So Knobby (previously known as Dobby, but his unusually small dick lead to everyone calling him Knobby.) and Dumbledore walked into the shop, hand in hand.**

SO UH Dumbledore browsed through the isles but he was unable to find a butt plug that suited him best

**(Aisles, Jamie.)**

He couldn't find a suitable butt plug.

so he went to the front of the shop for assistance when he saw the orgy going on.

**So he was like. "DAMN! YO DIDN'T TELL ME BOUT NUN ORGY, MAN! HOW'D YOU LET ME MISS DIS SHIT!?"**

**But Knobby sensed his sex masters enragement, and quickly magic'd away his clothes.**

Dumbledore could sense he would be wrong to join in without asking. But he was so furious he hadn't been invited, all that angry passion built up inside him had made him hard.

he reached for knobby's dick, rubbing it as to try and get him aroused. Until he realised that knobby had been hard the whole time, his cock was just so small nobody noticed

**So Knobby screamed, and threw himself onto Dumbledore's face, and began kissing him wildly.**

**Dumbledore couldn't breathe, so he died.**

**Then Snape moved foward, and began to fuck Dumbledore's dead body.**

**I mean, god, he wanted a dead chick, he's one creepy mother fucker.**

**Or in this case, wannabe mother fucker.**

**"All you Lily and Snape shippers are still delusional."**

So like. Knobby was devestated that his lover had died. But more devestated still, that it was snape not himself raping the corpse.

his sadness soon turned to arousal though. He threw himself at snape and began thrusting furiously behind him. Snape did not notice a thing, as knobby's cock was too small. But when he turned his head to see knobby behind him, he stopped raping dumbledore and began licking knobby's somewhat desirable (;D) skin all over.

**All of a sudden there was a loud bang [not the sexual kind. Although most of these characters were getting pretty sexual. from the back of the store.**

**AND OMG, IT WAS JESS.**

**Because making yourself a Mary-Sue and putting you in a story, and having all the guys fall for you is the rage, right?**

**So Sirius, James and Remus were like.**

**"JESSS FUCKK MEEEE!"**

and then like Jess pushed them away and walked confidently over to knobby. She slipped him 2 pounds fifty and he allowed her to slip off his rather comfortable rags. ;D  
she was chewing a large ball of gum at the time. She could barely breathe it was so big. but knobby's knob fit in her mouth like it wasn't even there at all.  
**Then, suddenly, Jamie walked through the door, with the newest guy he was cheating on Mark with.**

**He was a mirror-raping, egotistical, annoying [NO I'M NOT FUCKING DONE YET, perverted bitch.**

**And then, he ran to Snape, because Snape was a greasy smileball that sucked.**

**And Jamie thought he was cool, what. The. Fuck.**

So everyone's attention turned to the absolute bombshell that just entered (and was just about to be entered), Jamie.

He made one of those really slow entrances. You know, like in that movie and shit. And like. As he unzipped his pants, a shining light beamed across the room as his hands began to clutch his immaculate cock.

Everyone's eyes were filled with lust.

especially jess', her mouth was watering.

which was, of course, very pleasurable for knobby and he had his fourth orgasm since she'd been giving him head without realising. she thought the cum was just that juice stuff you get when you eat gum and stuff. coz there was like. less than a quarter of a teaspoon full altogether.

but anyway, everyone was at jamie's feet coz he's so perfect, and then James was all "HAVE ME NOW, YOU MAN STALLION". so jamie was all -bangs- while remus entered jamie at the same time.

it was one hot man train.

**Jess slapped Jamie upside the head, knowing he was having fantasies in which she'd bang him.**

**And a lot of those fictional characters too.**

**"I thought Victor was the man-stallion," said Jess, just oozing coolness.**

**She was cool.**

**She was oozing it.**

**Like slime, but cool.**

**And sexy.**

**And cool.**

**Because she was cool like that.**

So like.

Jess slapping jamie on the head hurt a bit.

But once she got a good gripp

it really started to feel good

Jamie's massive erection was the most beautiful thing anyone in the entire room had ever seen.

It was like they'd seen jesus come in the room.

But it was really just his cock cumming on Jess coz it turned her on.

**Jessus kicked Jamie in the balls.**

**He was having another fantasy.**

**Sometimes she wondered if he had these fantasies about his cats.**

**Jessus was sure that he had a fetish for cats.**

**Then, she sued him for sexual harassment, while Snape leant foward so Jamie could fuck him in the ass.**

**Jamie loked shocked. HE WAS ALWAYS THE BITCH IN THE RELATIONSHIP!**

Jamie's balls were made of steel. Just like Chuck Norris' ones. It hadn't always been that way. Only after one of his horrible bets had gone all wrong. But how was he to know that Jess was really a fat bald peadophile that also was madly into beastiality. Especially involving dobermans and goats. So he wasn't really hurt. He was like some kind of super man. It was evident from the glances he was getting from everyone else in the room that he had super charms, anyway.

knobby ran for him, but he pushed him away. the first person ever to be able to resist knobby's charms. he had jess germs on him, how filthy!

**So Jess rolled her eyes, and kicked Jamie away. Knobby was only running to Sirius, who had girls fainting all around him, while he grinned. What the fuck, where'd those girls come from?**

**And then, Jess looked at her watch. "OH SHIT IT'S FOUR AM BYE MANBITCH I LOVE YOU LETS CONTINUE THIS NEXT TIME."**

BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY ONLY FUCKING 3:30 AND SHE WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE : (

**But Jess had to go bang people the next day, so she farewelled Jamie.**

**"IF YOU DON'T DIVORCE SUGARPLUM I'LL HURT YOU"**

jess decided far too much to go anywhere in his time of need.


End file.
